| A closure. |
[19 Dec 2004|10:41pm] |
I've came to the conclusion tonight that I have only TWO motivations to move on with my life and continue with this fictitious happiness.
To be with my true love, be able to fall in his arms and enter his mind and emotions. Sweep him off his feet & make him the most happiest person alive. Finally be truly happy & fulfilled once again. I will wait forever for Michael and I will give up everything to be with him once again because being with him is my profound euphoria. I have never felt that way with anyone else or with anything. I know that he is my true love and something way beyond that. I haven't been with him in over a year now...and I feel just as strongly about him as I did when I first spoke to him. A concrete feeling. It is never ending & never fading. He is my other half. I feel it and I know it. I've known it from the beginning.
I will walk through life with my moms attitude. I will conquer my depression & learn how to live this fake plastic life. To survive. Learn how to live happily even though it never will be true happiness... I am going to prove to my mom that I am intelligent & capable of anything I put my mind too. I want her to be proud of me.
This is all I honestly want in my life. I'll pray every night for these things to come true.
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| <3 |
[28 Oct 2004|03:59pm] |
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this journal is now history~
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| My kittys <3 |
[04 Oct 2004|09:31pm] |
Listen up! I REALLY need someone to help me take my kittys off my hands. I'm about to move to Kentucky in a few weeks or less and it would mean the world to me if one of my friends or at least aquantences would adopt at least one of them...I love them so much that I don't want to give them up to anyone else but someone I know so I can see them again and keep in touch with how they are doing. They are perfectly healthy kittys and they are so lovable and playful. I swear you would fall madly in love. :) I don't want to post pictures of them because photographs do not do them justice, at all. So, if you are interested (ANYONE!) please let me know. We can arrange a meeting so you can bound with the kitty and I'll tell you all about them. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I just hate the idea of giving them to a complete stranger. :( Honestly, I hate giving them away to anyone. But it is a emergency! =^..=^
Also, if anyone knows my mother, please give her a call at the hospital. She needs all the support she can get. The doctor told us this morning that she has only days,weeks, or a month left to be alive... I would appreciate it so much if any old friends would give her a call at least..and even better come visit her. She'll be recieving hospice very soon..so that is the reason why we are moving to Kentucky, at least there she would have her family there for her since almost all of her friends in Memphis basically told her fuck you.
The number is 726-7616.
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| Answers please! |
[30 Sep 2004|05:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mariah carey |
] |
This might be a weird question..but I was wondering if someone could give me the correct definition of "blue balls"?
I feel retarded for asking but I'm clueless and dictionary.com didn't work. *sob*
P.S. Isn't my icon rocking? :) Thats my cute kitty (best friend), Athena. <3
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| Blergh. |
[24 Sep 2004|01:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 morose |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Smashing Pumpkins |
] |
Life can be so overwhelming at times...
Not always in a good way either.
My emotions feel like they are riding on one of those piece of shit roller coasters at Liberty Land. I could fall off at anytime.
Not much more time until I am at the top of the drop off. It'll be too late to save me then.
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| 9-11 dundundun.... |
[11 Sep 2004|02:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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journey |
] |
Tonight was definitely one of those random surprisingly good nights. I got off work around 4pm thinking I was just going to sit at home all night playing Final Fantasy X2 in my pajamas, watching porn and eating myself to death. (Don't get me wrong, those nights are pretty damn worthy!) But it doesn't beat reuniting with one of your old best friends, while you were feeling nostalgic all day long. It was so refreshing to see her again & do some of the old things we used to love doing. I had such a wonderful time. She has changed a lot but in a nice way. I'm so grateful that we get along as much as we used too. I've been so nervous about hanging out with her lately that I've been delaying it. (not to mention my anti-social behavior doesn't help one bit)
I would much rather left it off on a good note then a bad one. I'm glad I took the chance though, completely worth it!
Yaaay, I'm so happy I could run around the block naked. =^..^=
Ookkay, so maybe not. I could however run around my house nakie. Weee, oh and by the way..I got to see Michael (always a good thing) and tomorrow is going to kick ass just like every Saturday. Hope everyone elses does too! :)
Happy 9/11 everyone!
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| Ralph Steadman. (fear and loathing in las vegas artwork) |
[27 Aug 2004|04:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 jubilant |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
stabbing westward (if only i could remember the titles..) |
] |
This guy is pretty talented. This personally is one of my favorite pieces of his mostly because of the humor in it. He has his own unique way to drawing/sketching. Someone rich (hi,tk!) should buy me one of his posters! They're only like 100 dollars. ^_^ Yeah, don't worry~ I won't hold my breath.
www.ralphsteadman.com
P.S
Someone please send me some ambien. I can't fucking sleep or think!
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[23 Aug 2004|03:21am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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lords of acid-let's get high |
] |
dirty dirty
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| Beyond the chemistry. |
[22 Aug 2004|04:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
portishead-roads |
] |
I saw Before Sunrise tonight and I have to say that it was more powerful and romantic than Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I mean, that is fucking amazing to tell you the truth. I know not everyone is going to agree with me by a long shot..but honestly, it could have been the way I felt today when I saw it, maybe the weather made it better who the hell knows. I just know that I enjoyed that movie vastly & appreciate it more then you do. I bet I enjoyed it more then anyone else did also. ^.~ It's not that type of enjoyed where I am going to make cute little icons out of screen shots to make my livejournal look pretty or buy the movie poster(s). It is completely beyond that. But I am going to close this subject because it is too important to me to even let anyone else know about. Which you probably don't understand, I'm sure. And that is perfectly fine with me.
In other news, I have colon cancer. Yeah, I'm moving back to Louisville, KY & honestly I don't know which one is fucking worse. But I guess I have no option but to move. It is impossible to think optimistically about it since everyone that knows me fairly well knows for a fact that I was more miserable than jesus being crucified. That year I lived there was perhaps the most dreadful year of my life. Enough complaining though, what does it help besides making yourself look like a whiny bitch? I'm going to keep my chin held up high and do the best I can. Try and get transfered to another Blockbuster and finally go back to high school. I know that it will help me tremendously to keep busy. I'll defeat the bad karma, fuck you!
I don't know how much longer I'll be here but while I am here I'm going to take every minute I have left & spend it on friends & party because I'm going to miss you guys so much. You are the only thing I'll miss about Memphis. What else is there to miss, really? <3
Love you guys. Thank you for being there & keeping me sane. :)
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| long conversations and dollar menu mania |
[15 Aug 2004|02:54am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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oasis |
] |
I've been having a wonderful time with you, Garrett. Our time together has been remarkable and very memorable. I love you tons & thank you so much for being you. You are one of a kind. <3 And I am very lucky to have you in my life.
xoxoxo :)
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| dedicated to mr. salad fingers and his fingerpuppets |
[04 Aug 2004|02:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
Pictures that Michael,Greg and I took. :)
We did a pretty bad ass job considering we had some ghetto batteries that lasted literally 5 minutes long (thats about 5 pictures every two batteries). I had a great time and I just wish I could hang out with you guys more often.
( rust )
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| Hippie moves, boy I wish it was the 70's again. |
[01 Aug 2004|03:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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kingmaker or some shit like that |
] |
Psychiatrists prescribe these drugs like Prozac,Halcyon, and Valium. I say, why not marijuana or mushrooms? You know, God (or whoever the fuck you believe in) made something naturally. Of course, I'm not advocating mushrooms. I just don't understand why the government acknowledges the fact that some people need something to change their bad mood, but that the only way to do that is choosing some drug on their list.
Why? God made mushrooms, right? They're natural! I don't know who the hell is making Prozac, but God made the mushrooms. Does God make mistakes?
I don't think so.
Why are there so many kinds of mushrooms, and one kind that's really different?
It's like one mushroom is good in sauce (personally I don't think so though, yuckie), one is good on eggs, and then this special one that makes you laugh hysterically and see things for what they are for eight straight hours. (give or take ;])
That doesn't seem random to me. Because God knows that sometimes you need to laugh and have the best time for eight hours straight. He knows life sucks some huge black dick. It's right there in the bible. Look at the book of Job. It is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery.
He says, "No, I can't. But I'll give you lots of drugs. That's the best I can do. I'll give you drugs, but I can't take away the pain & misery because then no one would talk to me."
Let's face it, God or whoever the hell created us has a huge ego problem. Why do we always have to worship Him, really?
"Oh, your the greatest. You're perfect. We're fuck ups in every little way. You know everything and we're in the dark."
Secure people don't need to hear that all that fucking time.
I believe Mr. Kevorkian was onto something. He's great. Because suicide is our little way of saying to God, "You can't fire me, I fucking quit".
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| Cutting down some dead trees. |
[01 Aug 2004|05:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
oscarey |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cardigans-Erase and Rewind |
] |
I've reduced my friends list by 6o, I think. I can't stand reading 90 journals. 96% of the people on my friends list, I don't even speak too or haven't at all. Whats the fucking point? So, I'm keeping my friends list to a minimum so I can actually read the journals I want, instead of skipping over a 100 to find the ones I care about. ^_^
Off to bed! ni'ni everyone!
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| Hero |
[28 Jul 2004|11:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giggly |
] |
I heard this song tonight. I remembered and giggled a ton because it brings back certain memories that are pleasant to have. Heee, It is great because no one else knows but a certain someone and me. :)
Would you dance
if I asked you to dance?
Would you run
and never look back?
Would you cry
if you saw me cry?
And would you save my soul, tonight?
Would you tremble
if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die
for the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.
I CAN BE YER HERO BABYYYY I CAN KISS AWAY THE TEAARSS! uHH, PAIN I MEAN. (OOPSY)
I WILL STAND BY YOU FOREVERR. LAAA. :)
^.^
Wow, that song is as good and original as N'sync's-Tearin' up my heart..But I can't decide which is better. Actually, Backstreet boys win love songs of the century. :D
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| Ranting and raving, thank you. |
[26 Jul 2004|06:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
Let me tell you a situation that makes no sense at all! Or, Hey, if it does let me know! Because obviously there must be something wrong with my thinking. I'll go ahead and mention names also, because this is just plain stupid.
I ask Garrett if I can come along with him and his friend to Circuit City. He tells me,
"If you want too, but too bad my friend doesn't want to come get you".
So I ask, "Why can't you come get me with your car then?"
"My car has been blowing out smoke and I'm scared to drive it all the way over there.BUT, I can come see you after he leaves!"
(Oh, wow! Hi, mister excuses. Garrett's best friend.)
So I tell him, "If you don't want to hang out with me today, you can just tell me. It is pretty understandable considering we've been hanging out constantly."
Of course being the non-liar he is, he says, "I do, just we can't fit 3 people in Daniel's truck"
Him and I have only been over the whole "no i do buts this and this" MILLIONS OF TIMES! I have always told him that is was okay if didn't want to see me for a day because I feel the same way too sometimes.
Now, come on. I know you can fit 3 people in there because we've done it before. (pretty retarded excuse) Then, he'll say, "Daniel has expired tags and broken doors so it wouldn't be a good idea for three people to be in the car because thats more of a chance of getting pulled over for smoking pot in the truck!"
Man, Garrett. You sure out did me. I can't even begin to get over it.
Your fucking retarded if you go smoking pot while driving in a car with expired tags in a ghetto beaten up truck. Am I right or fucking what?
So, fuck you for always telling me that you never make up excuses because heres a perfect example. If those aren't fucking excuses, I don't know what the fuck is!
Even though, this might not be that important to you, it is to me,and it pisses me off because you always do this bullshit. Just tell me the business instead of trying to beat around the bush and make yourself look good, its sick. Not to mention, You know I havent been in the best shape lately so it wouldnt have hurt if you took me out. (I never fucking spoil the time , I dont get it) It is just selfish. It wouldnt have been as bad if you were just truthful!
P.S. Wow, this is so familiar. I think I used to have a ex-boyfriend who is/was just like this. ^_^ Lucky me.
Oh, and PLEASE STOP POSTING IN GREG'S JOURNAL FOR THE 100TH TIME. Christ.
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kittianna's journal
okay
drained
